Separation

I will never forget my first day of Kindergarten.  We had just moved here from Iran, and I didn't speak a word of English.  Not a single word.  My mother and I were staying with my sister and her family in the Palisades while my dad was in Iran getting our affairs in order.  I can still remember the fear and panic I felt as my mom and sister dropped me off that first day and were told to walk away.  I remember looking back at my mom and seeing her own tears streaming down her face.  There was nothing she could do but let me go.  So, I went and began my journey towards independence.

I had a "full circle" moment last September when my boys began their own journey and started Kindergarten.  I was so nervous for them because not only were they separating once again from me, but from each other.  Up until then, they had been together throughout their entire 3 years of preschool.  They had experienced preschool as a team, for better or for worse.  It wasn't an easy transition, but they had each other and I always felt a sense of relief knowing that they were together.  But, now they had to leave that comfort zone and venture out into uncharted territory.  I prepared them months in advance and explained that this was part of growing up.  They were ready to start a new chapter of life and it may be hard in the beginning, but it would be ok.  They would be just fine.  They were worried and asked lots of questions :  When would they see each other?  Who would they play with?  We talked a lot about these changes and what they could expect.  We talked about all the great things that would come of them having separate classrooms and friends.  Slowly, they started to internalize these positives and the anxiety slowly turned into excitement.  Don't get me wrong, they were still anxious.  But, I could tell in the questions they were asking, that they were ready.  They were excited to take these first steps toward being independent of each other as well as of me.

So, you may be asking yourselves 'why separate them anyway?'  Well, to begin with LAUSD has a "twin separating" policy.  Unless you have a "compelling" reason why the school shouldn't separate your twins, they will.  But, to be honest I knew that it was necessary to split up the boys.  As much as I want them to be close and supportive of one another, I don't want them to live for one another.  Ever since they were babies, they'd always had each other.  There was no need to make new friends or try and socialize with other kids.  They had a 24 hour built in buddy.  But, that's not reality and that's not going to allow them to grow and mature into healthy, well rounded adults.  Also, they are two very distinct and different people.  I don't want Tyler to ever feel like he's living in Colin's shadow, or vice versa.  Each of them has their own unique qualities, strengths, and weakness.  I wanted them to learn about these differences and embrace them.  Just a couple months after school had started, we were driving home and the boys were chatting away in the backseat.  I heard each of them tell the other about his day.  What his teacher had done and what games and activities he had enjoyed participating in that day.  I couldn't help but smile.  This is what it was all about.

I can't help but think back to my first day of school and wish it was different.  I didn't have a twin brother or sister to separate from, but nonetheless, it was so so hard.  I didn't realize that I still carried that pain with me until my own boys started school.  Letting go is the hardest thing a parent has to do.  Parenthood is made of up of hundreds of little separations.  From that first moment they take their first breath without you, to the day you walk them into their freshman year dorm room, it never gets easy.  But, the goal always remains the same, regardless of how young or old :  To allow them to be the best they can be and to give them the strength, wisdom, and competence to successfully navigate themselves through life's journey.