Last month was the 1st anniversary of Paul's grandma's death. Along with the rest of the immediate family, we went back to the mortuary to pay our respects. As I mentioned this plan to some of my friends and family, they asked me why I was taking my boys. And, my response was very simple : Death is a part of life.
I remember being a young girl and losing my uncle to cancer. The way in which my parents dealt with his very untimely death is still very clear in my mind. They told me he was sick and in the hospital. Over the course of a few days they finally told me that he had actually passed. As I got older, they continued to "shelter" me from the realities of death. Sometimes, they would forget to tell me that a relative had passed. Other times, they would tell me so late that I would miss the memorial or burial services. One day, I finally had to sit my mom down and have a heart to heart with her about this issue. I asked her why she doesn't tell me, and she said that most of the time she doesn't want to burden me with the news. Other times, it would just slip her mind. I assured her that I'm able to handle life's difficulties and that she doesn't need to protect me anymore.
So, flash forward a few years later when Paul's beloved grandma, Bebe passes. The boys had spent lots of time with her and knew she was old and sick. The day of the the burial, we took the boys to the site and they were so proud to be able to participate in the services. I got lots of dirty looks from people who clearly didn't agree with my choice to bring my 5 year olds to a burial. But, the boys had no fear and it was such an positive experience for them. This is where I had to put my own issues surrounding death aside and use this opportunity as a learning experience for my boys. It was very matter of fact. She was old and died, we will miss her and we are very sad that she won't be with us anymore. This is where her body lays to rest and we can always visit whenever we want. We will always remember all the good she did and what an amazing woman she was. I could sense that they were comforted by this information and something that was so abstract and hard to explain, was explained to them in a very concrete and age appropriate way.
So how much information is too much? It really all depends on the age of the child and the circumstances. I always say, give the info on a 'need to know' basis. Answer their questions honestly and try and stay as concrete as possible. When trying to explain what death feels like, don't bring up the concept of "sleeping". Children may develop fears of sleeping as a result. Also, reassure them that you will be around for a long time and give them examples of future events that you will be experiencing together (such as school events, graduations, bar or bat mitzvah's and their wedding!). Lastly, there is a wonderful book called "Lifetimes- The beautiful way to explain death to children", By Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. I can't recommend this book enough. If you're having a hard time starting a conversation about death with your children, this book is a great starting point.
I will never forget my first memories of being told my uncle had passed. As I've gotten older, I've reconciled the confusion and fear that surrounded that experience. I hope to continue to give my boys positive experiences surrounding the circle of life. After all, I don't want them to go through their young lives with the same confusion as I did.
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