Surrendering to Nature

When Tyler and Colin were born, I had so many plans for us!  I would dream about all the fun we would have together.  There was so much to see, do and learn, I couldn't wait to begin the journey of life with them.  As they began to grow and develop, I realized that my boys were not as "typical" as I had hoped or maybe even wished or expected.

I will never forget the first time I took the boys to a Dance and Jingle music class.  They were about a year old and some friends were taking the class so we decided to join in on the fun.  As soon as the leader of the class began playing her music and bringing out the instruments, the boys had a meltdown of huge proportions.  I remember looking around to see if anyone else's kids were reacting this way, and to my dismay they were not.  The teacher, who was the sweetest and most patient soul on the planet, suggested I take the boys outside and try coming back after a few minutes.  So, that's what we did.  We went outside and watched the class resume from the window.  I remember looking at the two adorable little boys in my lap, and wondering, 'what is the deal??'   I had to fight back my tears of embarrassment and fear.  I so desperately wanted my boys to be "like the other kids".  Flexible, easy going, fun loving, and sociable.   Much to my disappointment, we ended up spending the remainder of that class outside, watching through the window.  After class was over, I went inside to apologize to the teacher and ask for any guidance or reassurance.  She told me not to worry and that they boys will get comfortable at their own pace and to just give them time.

Well, that scenario became a pretty typical one whenever I tried introducing the boys to a new environment or experience, especially if loud music or lots of people were involved.  We kept going to the music class, but it wasn't until the last week (of a 6 week session!) that we were able to actually go and sit inside the class without them crying or us needing to go outside.  I was elated!  Finally, I was able to be "like everyone else".  Enjoy the class with my boys and share in a very sweet and memorable experience with them.  Well, not for too long.....

Soon after the music class ended, I decided to try a different class.  I had heard about Kidnasium, which was a fitness based program which included group activities as well as free time for the kids to explore and make new friends.  I went to a trial class and after being in the class for less than 5 minutes, the boys started exhibiting the same behavior as in the music class-- crying and seeming very overwhelmed and overstimulated.  So, once again we went outside and waited.  We tried to go back, but they refused.  I was so disappointed.  Again, the tears began to well up and stream down my face.  WHY??  What was wrong with them?  What was wrong with me??  Was I causing this somehow??

After we left Kidnasium, we went home.  All of us exhausted and overwhelmed with so many emotions.  I decided to call my pediatrician and ask her for some advice or guidance.  She really understood my boys and "got" them.  I told her my concerns : that they were very inflexible and rigid.  That they get overstimulated very easily and don't like change.  I also told her my worst fear-- Maybe there was some evidence of Autism?  Immediately, she stopped me mid sentence and said, "Hava, don't even say the word.  Don't even think about it.  There is NOTHING wrong with your boys.  They are extremely sensitive and cautious.  That's not a bad thing.  Just give them some time.  Trust me".

So then, I began to do some major soul searching.  Why did I need my boys to be like everyone else's kids?   Why was it so hard to accept them for who they were?  Maybe it was my own need to give my boys a childhood experience that way so different than my own -- full of yearning for companionship and lots of loneliness. I remember how hard it was for me to make friends and I didn't want my boys to have the same struggles as I did.  Deep down inside, I knew that I did not have children who would dive into any situation head first, full of gusto.  They took their time.  They needed lots of time to observe and slowly make their own decisions about whatever circumstances were presented to them.  The defining moment came to me at a friend's son's birthday party.  I spent the entire duration of the party inside the house, away from where all the action was.  Every time I tried to get them to go join the rest of the party, they became clingy, anxious, and uncomfortable.  So, I had to surrender.  I had to surrender to the nature of these two boys.

I remember how relieved I was once I let go.... I surrendered to the reality of who my boys were and were not.  I started to realize what a blessing it was to have cautious boys!  They will never go sky diving, they won't race cars, or try and scale a mountain!  I didn't have to worry about them running off into traffic or climbing up a tree without weighing the risks.  What a relief!  Once I accepted this, something very magical began to happen.  Slowly, as I relaxed, they did too.  Eventually, they started taking baby steps towards becoming more flexible, trying new things, and just letting go.