How much is too much?

When I was five years old, we moved from Iran to America.  I didn't speak a word of English and soon after our arrival, was enrolled in Kindergarten.  My parents were trying to acclimate to a new life here in Los Angeles so I was basically left to figure things out on my own.  When it came to school, my parents had very little, if any involvement in the day to day.  They would attend the usual open house and parents nights but that was all.  No volunteering.  No fundraisers to attend.  No lobbying for the "best teacher."  Now that my boys are in elementary school, I can't help but wonder if all this involvement my generation has with their children's school really necessary?

Every year, around April or May, I start to hear the buzz at school about which teachers parents are hoping for next year.  It becomes a constant focus of discussion at any school function.  I've found there are two groups and philosophies when it comes to this issue :

1. These parents are very hands off and let the chips fall where they may.  They believe in the process that the teachers go through to place the children and believe in it wholeheartedly.  There is no discussions with present teachers or any type of suggestions made as to which teacher they prefer for their child to have.  The lines of communication are open, but only used if there is a problem or concern with the child.

2. Conversely, these parents spend most of their time trying to get to know the teachers and therefore, have very strong opinions about which teacher will best suit their child.  They are very direct with their child's current teacher and will make their opinions known.  Some will put in specific requests for certain teachers, even though the school has a clear policy against this.

So, you're probably wondering what this has to do with my own experience as a child in public school. Well, as I mentioned before, my parents were not involved at all.  They let the chips fall where they were meant to fall, and I turned out just fine.  Of course, I had my fair share of distasteful teachers who weren't very motivated and lacked passion and enthusiasm.  However, I also had some wonderful teachers who I still remember to this day.  Is it really necessary to be so involved in the process?  I'm not sure.  Maybe I'm somewhere in the middle of the two groups I mentioned earlier.  I like to have a good rapport with my children's teachers.  I know my boys in ways the teachers don't and I think it's important for me to share this info with them.   However, I also know that my boys' teachers know them in a way I don't.  There needs to be a happy medium where ideas and suggestions are shared for the betterment of the child.  When my boys see me have an open and respectful relationship with their teachers, not only does that give them a sense of cohesiveness between school and home, but I believe it make them feel valued as students.  The message will be "you are important to us and we all want to see you succeed."

I guess when it comes down to it, this is another lesson in surrendering and letting go.  The reality of life is that there are very few things we can control.  It's hard to accept, but once you do, it's oh so liberating!

Daddy Dearest

One of the earliest memories I have is from when I was about 3 years old.  My dad used to be a heavy smoker those days.  I remember walking up to him and asking him why he smoked, when there were so many better tasting things in the world :)  Apparently, my question effected my dad deeply and soon after he quit smoking.  I never knew the influence I had on him until recently.  Conversely, now that I'm a mother I've begun to think a lot more about his influence on me as a child and ultimately, as an adult.  We all know the influence and effect mothers have on the development of their children, but where do the dad's fit into the equation?

When Tyler and Colin were born, it was ALL about mommy.  They could have cared less about Paul and what he was about!  I remember thinking, when will it be his turn?  I was their entire universe, and Paul was another planet orbiting around me, hoping to get some attention every now and then.  But, as the boys grew up things started to change, and I slowly began to see the desire for them to connect to their dad.  They would get so excited to see him when he would come home!  Just like little puppies, they would run to him and give him so much love and attention.  I loved watching them with him, and I realized that the father - son relationship is something that I will never really understand.  There's a bond there that only they can relate to and I was so happy to see it developing!  It became very clear to me that dads play a huge role in the development of their children, more so than was ever imagined.  There's so much research being done on the influence fathers have on their children and the importance of a healthy father-child relationship.  Fathers are the child's first experience with a man.  For a girl, her father will be the first man she falls in love with.  Her relationship with him will teach her how to interact with men and ultimately what type of man she may end up with.  For boys, the father figure will give them a living model to shape themselves after.  Some may think that athletes or musicians fill this role.  In actuality, the father figure that is actively engaged in the boys life has a tremendous influence on the type of man that boy will grow up to become.  Somewhere around age 6 or 7 is where young boys will almost "lock in" on the primary male figure in their lives.  This may be a very obvious shift, or it may be very subtle.  Either way, it's very important for mothers to allow this bonding to happen and for fathers to be ready with open arms for it!

About a couple years ago, Paul started taking the boys on these "boys only" trips.  It was his idea and I was more than thrilled at the prospect of having a weekend to myself!  I have to admit, I was a little nervous at first.  Would he be able to handle both boys by himself?  What about the potty issues and making sure they eat enough fruits and veggies?  But, I knew this would be a great opportunity so I helped them plan their first trip and off they went!  It's been a couple years now since Paul started this tradition with the boys.  They LOVE these trips and ask for them often.  I've seen them become so much more independent and mature as a result of these trips and I have Paul to thank :)  I have to admit that it's a little sad watching my boys grow up and become independent little men.... but, I have to remind myself that my job is to help them grow into healthy and independent adults.  Even if it means its breaking my heart just a little bit :)

Separation

I will never forget my first day of Kindergarten.  We had just moved here from Iran, and I didn't speak a word of English.  Not a single word.  My mother and I were staying with my sister and her family in the Palisades while my dad was in Iran getting our affairs in order.  I can still remember the fear and panic I felt as my mom and sister dropped me off that first day and were told to walk away.  I remember looking back at my mom and seeing her own tears streaming down her face.  There was nothing she could do but let me go.  So, I went and began my journey towards independence.

I had a "full circle" moment last September when my boys began their own journey and started Kindergarten.  I was so nervous for them because not only were they separating once again from me, but from each other.  Up until then, they had been together throughout their entire 3 years of preschool.  They had experienced preschool as a team, for better or for worse.  It wasn't an easy transition, but they had each other and I always felt a sense of relief knowing that they were together.  But, now they had to leave that comfort zone and venture out into uncharted territory.  I prepared them months in advance and explained that this was part of growing up.  They were ready to start a new chapter of life and it may be hard in the beginning, but it would be ok.  They would be just fine.  They were worried and asked lots of questions :  When would they see each other?  Who would they play with?  We talked a lot about these changes and what they could expect.  We talked about all the great things that would come of them having separate classrooms and friends.  Slowly, they started to internalize these positives and the anxiety slowly turned into excitement.  Don't get me wrong, they were still anxious.  But, I could tell in the questions they were asking, that they were ready.  They were excited to take these first steps toward being independent of each other as well as of me.

So, you may be asking yourselves 'why separate them anyway?'  Well, to begin with LAUSD has a "twin separating" policy.  Unless you have a "compelling" reason why the school shouldn't separate your twins, they will.  But, to be honest I knew that it was necessary to split up the boys.  As much as I want them to be close and supportive of one another, I don't want them to live for one another.  Ever since they were babies, they'd always had each other.  There was no need to make new friends or try and socialize with other kids.  They had a 24 hour built in buddy.  But, that's not reality and that's not going to allow them to grow and mature into healthy, well rounded adults.  Also, they are two very distinct and different people.  I don't want Tyler to ever feel like he's living in Colin's shadow, or vice versa.  Each of them has their own unique qualities, strengths, and weakness.  I wanted them to learn about these differences and embrace them.  Just a couple months after school had started, we were driving home and the boys were chatting away in the backseat.  I heard each of them tell the other about his day.  What his teacher had done and what games and activities he had enjoyed participating in that day.  I couldn't help but smile.  This is what it was all about.

I can't help but think back to my first day of school and wish it was different.  I didn't have a twin brother or sister to separate from, but nonetheless, it was so so hard.  I didn't realize that I still carried that pain with me until my own boys started school.  Letting go is the hardest thing a parent has to do.  Parenthood is made of up of hundreds of little separations.  From that first moment they take their first breath without you, to the day you walk them into their freshman year dorm room, it never gets easy.  But, the goal always remains the same, regardless of how young or old :  To allow them to be the best they can be and to give them the strength, wisdom, and competence to successfully navigate themselves through life's journey.

Surrendering to Nature

When Tyler and Colin were born, I had so many plans for us!  I would dream about all the fun we would have together.  There was so much to see, do and learn, I couldn't wait to begin the journey of life with them.  As they began to grow and develop, I realized that my boys were not as "typical" as I had hoped or maybe even wished or expected.

I will never forget the first time I took the boys to a Dance and Jingle music class.  They were about a year old and some friends were taking the class so we decided to join in on the fun.  As soon as the leader of the class began playing her music and bringing out the instruments, the boys had a meltdown of huge proportions.  I remember looking around to see if anyone else's kids were reacting this way, and to my dismay they were not.  The teacher, who was the sweetest and most patient soul on the planet, suggested I take the boys outside and try coming back after a few minutes.  So, that's what we did.  We went outside and watched the class resume from the window.  I remember looking at the two adorable little boys in my lap, and wondering, 'what is the deal??'   I had to fight back my tears of embarrassment and fear.  I so desperately wanted my boys to be "like the other kids".  Flexible, easy going, fun loving, and sociable.   Much to my disappointment, we ended up spending the remainder of that class outside, watching through the window.  After class was over, I went inside to apologize to the teacher and ask for any guidance or reassurance.  She told me not to worry and that they boys will get comfortable at their own pace and to just give them time.

Well, that scenario became a pretty typical one whenever I tried introducing the boys to a new environment or experience, especially if loud music or lots of people were involved.  We kept going to the music class, but it wasn't until the last week (of a 6 week session!) that we were able to actually go and sit inside the class without them crying or us needing to go outside.  I was elated!  Finally, I was able to be "like everyone else".  Enjoy the class with my boys and share in a very sweet and memorable experience with them.  Well, not for too long.....

Soon after the music class ended, I decided to try a different class.  I had heard about Kidnasium, which was a fitness based program which included group activities as well as free time for the kids to explore and make new friends.  I went to a trial class and after being in the class for less than 5 minutes, the boys started exhibiting the same behavior as in the music class-- crying and seeming very overwhelmed and overstimulated.  So, once again we went outside and waited.  We tried to go back, but they refused.  I was so disappointed.  Again, the tears began to well up and stream down my face.  WHY??  What was wrong with them?  What was wrong with me??  Was I causing this somehow??

After we left Kidnasium, we went home.  All of us exhausted and overwhelmed with so many emotions.  I decided to call my pediatrician and ask her for some advice or guidance.  She really understood my boys and "got" them.  I told her my concerns : that they were very inflexible and rigid.  That they get overstimulated very easily and don't like change.  I also told her my worst fear-- Maybe there was some evidence of Autism?  Immediately, she stopped me mid sentence and said, "Hava, don't even say the word.  Don't even think about it.  There is NOTHING wrong with your boys.  They are extremely sensitive and cautious.  That's not a bad thing.  Just give them some time.  Trust me".

So then, I began to do some major soul searching.  Why did I need my boys to be like everyone else's kids?   Why was it so hard to accept them for who they were?  Maybe it was my own need to give my boys a childhood experience that way so different than my own -- full of yearning for companionship and lots of loneliness. I remember how hard it was for me to make friends and I didn't want my boys to have the same struggles as I did.  Deep down inside, I knew that I did not have children who would dive into any situation head first, full of gusto.  They took their time.  They needed lots of time to observe and slowly make their own decisions about whatever circumstances were presented to them.  The defining moment came to me at a friend's son's birthday party.  I spent the entire duration of the party inside the house, away from where all the action was.  Every time I tried to get them to go join the rest of the party, they became clingy, anxious, and uncomfortable.  So, I had to surrender.  I had to surrender to the nature of these two boys.

I remember how relieved I was once I let go.... I surrendered to the reality of who my boys were and were not.  I started to realize what a blessing it was to have cautious boys!  They will never go sky diving, they won't race cars, or try and scale a mountain!  I didn't have to worry about them running off into traffic or climbing up a tree without weighing the risks.  What a relief!  Once I accepted this, something very magical began to happen.  Slowly, as I relaxed, they did too.  Eventually, they started taking baby steps towards becoming more flexible, trying new things, and just letting go.

Death : When to discuss it and how to start.

Last month was the 1st anniversary of Paul's grandma's death.  Along with the rest of the immediate family, we went back to the mortuary to pay our respects.  As I mentioned this plan to some of my friends and family, they asked me why I was taking my boys.  And, my response was very simple : Death is a part of life.

I remember being a young girl and losing my uncle to cancer.  The way in which my parents dealt with his very untimely death is still very clear in my mind.  They told me he was sick and in the hospital.  Over the course of a few days they finally told me that he had actually passed.  As I got older, they continued to "shelter" me from the realities of death.  Sometimes, they would forget to tell me that a relative had passed.  Other times, they would tell me so late that I would miss the memorial or burial services.  One day, I finally had to sit my mom down and have a heart to heart with her about this issue.  I asked her why she doesn't tell me, and she said that most of the time she doesn't want to burden me with the news.  Other times, it would just slip her mind.  I assured her that I'm able to handle life's difficulties and that she doesn't need to protect me anymore.

So, flash forward a few years later when Paul's beloved grandma, Bebe passes.  The boys had spent lots of time with her and knew she was old and sick.  The day of the the burial, we took the boys to the site and they were so proud to be able to participate in the services.  I got lots of dirty looks from people who clearly didn't agree with my choice to bring my 5 year olds to a burial.  But, the boys had no fear and it was such an positive experience for them.  This is where I had to put my own issues surrounding death aside and use this opportunity as a learning experience for my boys.  It was very matter of fact.  She was old and died, we will miss her and we are very sad that she won't be with us anymore.  This is where her body lays to rest and we can always visit whenever we want.  We will always remember all the good she did and what an amazing woman she was.  I could sense that they were comforted by this information and something that was so abstract and hard to explain, was explained to them in a very concrete and age appropriate way.

So how much information is too much?  It really all depends on the age of the child and the circumstances.  I always say, give the info on a 'need to know' basis.  Answer their questions honestly and try and stay as concrete as possible.  When trying to explain what death feels like, don't bring up the concept of "sleeping".    Children may develop fears of sleeping as a result.  Also, reassure them that you will be around for a long time and give them examples of future events that you will be experiencing together (such as school events, graduations, bar or bat mitzvah's and their wedding!).  Lastly, there is a wonderful book called "Lifetimes- The beautiful way to explain death to children",  By Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen.  I can't recommend this book enough.  If you're having a hard time starting a conversation about death with your children, this book is a great starting point.

I will never forget my first memories of being told my uncle had passed.  As I've gotten older, I've reconciled the confusion and fear that surrounded that experience. I hope to continue to give my boys positive experiences surrounding the circle of life.  After all, I don't want them to go through their young lives with the same confusion as I did.

Compassion, what's that?

The boys had a play date yesterday with a friend from Colin's class.  He came over along with his lovely mother and little 3 year old sister.  This wasn't our first time playing together but an incident occurred during our play date that got me thinking-- How do we instill compassion in our kids, especially our boys?

Well, being a mother of 6 year old twin boys has never been an easy job.  But, now we've moved beyond feeding schedules and nap times.  Life's big lessons are looming in the back of my mind and things are beginning to get serious.  How do I raise my boys to be compassionate and caring young men in a society that rewards independence, stoicism, and strength?  Also, having boys who are full of pride and don't want to "lose" face in front of their friends adds another layer of resistance and difficulty.

As the mom and I discussed this idea, we came to a few conclusions, although this is not a topic that ever really can be put to rest.  We realized that first and foremost, setting a good example for our boys is vital.  By watching us show compassion and empathy to others, they too will internalize these lessons over time.  Secondly, discussing with the boys the meaning of being a "good friend" and what that entails.  Giving them examples and role playing so that when the opportunity comes up they don't feel put on the spot or unsure about what to do or say.  Finally, we all forget  that we have to cut our kids some slack.  Remembering that they are still 5 or 6 years old.  Making sure that what we expect of them emotionally is developmentally age appropriate.  You wouldn't expect a 6 year old to be able to do Algebra would you?  Well, then we can't expect them to be able to function at a certain emotional level if they aren't there yet developmentally.

As we were getting ready for bed and all was calm and quiet, I brought up our little issue of the day.  The boys were able to hear what I was saying and I hope they really "heard" me.  As I kissed them good night and snuggled them one last time, I couldn't help but want to freeze time and keep them young and so innocent.